Handout: The Big Picture

Look inward. We often think our partner is the source of pain, so we avoid looking at our contribution. Take time to answer following questions:

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1. What kind of relationship do you want to be in? What is the reason you are in couples therapy? What is your goal? What is your vision? Why are you together?(Required)

2. What will be required of you to make that happen?(Required)

Most people want great results with as little effort as possible, this is natural and understandable. It is what the emotional brain wants – a big pay off with minimal efforts. But in adult relationships, it takes persistent effort to evolve. Creating a good relationship is not one decision. It is hundreds of decisions. It is like going to the gym. You don't get fitter by simply joining the gym and becoming a member. You need to take that effort every time and acually go there and work out. Otherwise there are no results. In the case of your relationship, you decide every time you want to blame your partner without thinking through a better way to say something or understanding your partner’s struggle. So – what will be required of you to create a flourishing relationship?

3. What are your internal obstacles that interfere with doing what is required of you to bring about the relationship you want to be in?(Required)

For example: „I don't listen well when I hear something that seems judgmental.“ Or: „I seek to be understood before I try to understand my partner.“ If you don’t know what some of your blocks are, your partner may be glad to mention a few.

4. Think of a very difficult topic that is sensitive to you. Something you think you would like to discuss in a session. Now write down what you think you do that is ineffective in terms of creating a constructive discussion.(Required)

For example: attack, get aggressive, blame, become furious vs curious, withdraw, disengage, get passive, go into resentful compliance, don’t bring up sensitive topics, etc.

5. Now think of how you aspire to be in that situation.(Required)

This aspiration puts you in integrity with your higher self. Write how you aspire to be during the discussion of a sensitive topic.

6. Implementing No. 5 is not going to be easy. So what do you need to learn in order to be how you aspire to be?(Required)

7. What is your level of motivation to do what is required of you – from 1 to 100?(Required)

8. What habits, attitudes, emotions will be important for you to release in order to become the partner you aspire to become?(Required)

9. What are the top two issues you want covered within the next month? What will you do to make it easier for your partner to discuss these issues with you?(Required)

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Handout: The Big Picture

Couples counseling and therapy in Berlin